Book Review: Adventures in Cuntopia – The Life of a Punk Rock Prom Queen; by Colleen Caffeine

Text and live photo © Robert Barry Francos / FFanzeen, 2016

Book cover image from the Internet

                 

Adventures in Cuntopia: The Life of a Punk Rock Prom Queen

By Colleen Caffeine

Ellora’s Cave / EC For Real, 176 pages, 2016
Available HERE:

In the wake of the likes of Detroit icons like Iggy and the Stooges, Alice Cooper and the MC5, and in the shadow of the Grande Ballroom, came a punk prom queen named Colleen Caffeine. She soon would become a cult figure in the punk scene thanks to her band Choking Susan. Her dedication to the music goes even beyond her many tattoos and outrageous looks. While still in Choking Susan, Caffeine, who is a huge fan of the Ramones (she has a tat from the Rocket to Russia LP cover on her arm), joined an all-woman Ramones cover group brilliantly named the Whoremones. Problem was she didn’t play any instruments. Well, determination is a great teacher, and as she was filling in the Dee Dee role, she taught herself to play the bass to beyond a level of just competency.

When her bands play Europe, they sell out large clubs and her fan base is worldwide. Where she is least known, it seems, is in the good ol’ US of A, beyond the boundaries of Michigan. Here is a brief version of how I got to know Colleen, and to call her a friend:

In the mid-2000s, I learned that Choking Susan was going to play at CBGB, ground zero (along with the Grande) for the music they play. For some reason, and it’s nothing I’ve ever done before really, I contacted them and offered to show them around New York, including some “punk-centric” highlights of the Village. Perhaps it was because they weren’t kids, having been around a while, and from their MySpace page I could tell they were coming from a lot of the same music I enjoyed.

Reluctantly (I could tell from the tone of the response, the reasons for which she also indirectly discusses in the book), they agreed to meet the day before the show. Among the places I took them was Trash and Vaudeville, the old Fillmore East site, Gem Spa, where Manic Panic used to be (Caffeine is known for variant and vibrant hair colors), and the Joe Strummer mural. We also ate at DoJos, the one that used to be on St. Mark’s Place; it’s a vaping supply store now...

For the last place, I took them to Manitoba’s. I knew the band was fans of the Dictators, so I hoped to help them to meet the man, Handsome Dick, Sure enough, there was HMD behind the bar, but the band, being the bad-assed punk rockers that they are, were idol-shy. So I went over to him, and pointed out the band. Being the mensch that he is, HD grabbed a flashlight from under the bar and spent quite a bit of time with them, chatting and explaining a lot of the pictures that covered the walls. Choking Susan was agog, and it made me happy.

We said our farewells for the evening, and then I got to see them play a really fun show at CBs the next night with a local Brooklyn band I knew, Status Quo No Show (SQNS). I took tons of pix, including the lead singers of both bands in the infamous crappers (both sexes).

Wow, about 600 words in already so, since I’ve now given some background, I should probably start talking about the book…

First and most importantly, don’t let the title throw you. I’ve read quite a few musician autobiographies, and many of them – while enjoyable and not taking anything away from them – also have the formula of: I grew up in tough circumstances, I discovered music, practiced a lot, joined a bunch of bands, and despite competition, drugs, sex and band in-fighting, became a legend. Then it all became too much and the band broke up due to infighting. But Colleen don’t play that.

It is true, the Caucasian Colleen begins right off discussing her tough background by stating, “I was born a poor black child,” but she does it with humor and not necessarily focusing on a chronology-based telling of her life. More stream of consciousness, she jumps around from subject to subject with a self-depreciating candor while discussing her inner thoughts about life and what has happened to her. Rather than a sorrowful slog, even when she is discussing hard topics, like an emotionally hard breakup, it’s a pinball version with topics being the bumpers to bounce off of to fly to the next thing. For example, she discusses her demure grandma being a classy broad to going abroad and her love for the Dominican Republic.

It’s almost an ADHD model for the first half of the book, and yet it works well for her. It kind of reminds me of Ulysses S. Grant (bear with me here): the reason he was a great general is because he failed West Point, so he didn’t follow the expected order of things in the patterned way of war. This is kind of what this project is like, in that rather than just an autobiography, it’s more like musical riffs. During a guitar solo, one can just follow a I-IV-V Blues formula, or one can go off on tangents and just play. After listening to I-IV-V over and over, a streaming bowl of riff can be a nice change.

Along with the history of her life, we get to hear about friends, life and death, break-ups, hook-ups, touring, and general philosophical ways of looking at what is happening. There really is no rhyme or reason for the order, just whatever she is thinking at the moment, though some later chapters do follow through with the thought. That, and you know she will either brag about herself, or look at herself as incompetent. Honey, you’re you, and most of your fans are grateful. Period.

Most chapters have a theme title, which is usually a sexual pun on a song title or expression, such as “A-Dick-Shun,” “Thimble Tits,” or “Life is a Semi in the Middle of My Colon.” Plus, I kept wanting to talk to her throughout the book. For example, when she says, “If only I had a dime for the number of times I’ve been called strange, odd or weird. In love, I have only ever been treated as a burp and only afforded the smallest effort of a subconscious poof of air after one had been satiated with whatever had whetted their appetite.” Oh, honey, I’ve been called all of those things, too, and you know what, good, and so what? Punk Rawk! That’s what makes a rock and roll lifestyle. Also, you just haven’t met the right dude (or woman; I won’t assume about the future) yet. No, I’m not implying it’s me or anyone else, but the road is being traveled, that’s important.

She does address that somewhat with “I hear people say you need to find happiness and fulfillment within yourself, enjoy your own company. For some reason I’m not able to do that. I don’t know why either.” Yes, and neither does anyone else. I’m not wagging a finger, I’m sighing that answer.

Don’t get me wrong, the book isn’t a downer…well, maybe in certain sections she has some deeper, philosophical life queries, but Colleen also has an outstanding sense of humor, lyrical timing, and a keen sense of observation. If I quoted every line I underlined, this review would be many pages longer.

Colleen expresses her emotion in song lyrics, and there are many published here within the paragraphs that show how a particular incident is processed, transformed, and regurgitated and transformed into something meaningful, and often powerful.

This was an enjoyable read from beginning to end, and the numerous photos in the back (none of mine, so I’ve included one) just make it that much better.

The biggest drawback of the book is that I’m afraid it’s not going to be reviewed as much as it should, or be in many bookstores thanks to its title. But be sure to buy it in either its print or electronic form from Amazon.com at the link at the top. Meanwhile, I’m hoping there is a next book on the horizon.

An earlier version of Choking Susan at CBGB (photo by RBF)

Favorite Releases of the Year

Text (c) Robert Barry Francos
Images from the Internet
Originally published at www.jerseybeat.com/quietcorner.html

The term “top 10 list” has always been kind of vague for me, when it comes to independent music. Things like mainstream films and music are released at a specific date (“dropped”), and usually out for a definitive time, so it’s easier to say, “this was released at X time.”

For independent music, even when it is released “officially,” it usually makes its rounds to the listeners over a longer, extended period of time. Just because a CD is finished, it gets sent to stores (hopefully), put up on Websites to hear or buy (or both), and usually is promoted virally, which takes time.

In honor to that process, and since I usually write about music that does not follow a schedule, rather than doing a traditional “released this year” kind of deal, I am going to list the top 10 CDs I’ve listened to the most this year that have been out within a reasonable time, arbitrary to my choice. Another criteria is that I can listen to them from beginning to end, with no desire to skip a song. Note that I have not put in the addresses of the labels, but rather suggest you look at their MySpace sites to hear samples of their sounds.

CHESTY MALONE AND THE SLICE ‘EM UPS - Now We’re Gonna See What Disaster Really Means. This band is everything a horror-themed hardcore band (horrorcore?) should be. You’ve got “13 Killers,” “Trouble with Cannibals,” “Livereaters,” and even a “Beavershot.” With Anthony Allen van Hoek’s screeching guitar, Hans von Severed’s bass and Tom Murphy’s drum bringing up the bottom, and fronted by the wonderfully named and fully committed Jacqueline Blownapart aka Chesty Malone aka Dotti Douchbag aka Vikki Voltage aka (TBD), this is a wrecking ball to the brain, with fun splattered all over it.

CHOKING SUSAN – [Self-titled]. Hailing from Detroit, this heavily Ramones-influenced band is fronted by the energetic Colleen Caffeine, a mainstay on the punk scene in MC. Seven strong old school punk anthems speed by. While my fave cuts include “Falling Round and Round,” “Baby Doll,” the point-out-the-poseur anthem “Punker,” and their should-be classic “I’m Alone,” there is just one solid song after another. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to see them play CBGB, and I am looking forward to their next release.

ANGELA ESTERLING – Earning Her Wings. Angela is an artist whose music is bluegrass-twinged country with a touch of pop. Along with a sweet and powerful testament to one of her idols, Johnny Cash (“Dear Johnny”; he’s also mentioned in another song), she shows she’s up for some good times with “I Feel Like Drinking,” and “Truck Driving Man” (she refers to him as her “knight in shining diesel”), she also tells of hard relationships (“Cowboy”) and I’m guessing a somewhat autobiographical tale of remembering where one comes from (“The Accordion”). Angela starts and ends with gospel inspired tunes “River Jordan” and a cover of “When I Wake Up to Sleep No More.” She is currently recording, I am very happy to say. What I especially like about this is that it’s more infused with ol’ style C&W, and not the modern, fake pop-disguised-as-country (such as the bland Faith Hill). This is more “true” Nashville.

FIRE BUG – End of the World. I’m not usually a fan of classic rock, but this too short 3-songer is worth seeking out, especially the title cut. Juliette Tworsey’s vocals have sort of a Stevie Nicks kind of waiver to them, but with a much harder edge, which matches the music (Nicks is soft pop rock, really). I know they are recording new material as it shows up on their ‘site, so I am looking forward to a full length release at some point, hopefully sooner than later.

MARY GATCHELL – Indigo Rose. I was first turned on to New Hampshire native Mary by Boston publicity maven Joe Viglione, and was instantly smitten by her voice. Having seen her play a few a few times now, confirmed that she is an exciting talent. While Mary’s songs are often about relationships (“Indigo Rose”), they are not sappy. On this CD, she covers self-strength (“Stronger Backs”, one of my fave cuts), abusive relationships (“Beautiful Girls”), fun casual hook-ups (“I’m in Like”), and even a humorous look at misguided marriages (“Green Card”). Her background is on piano and guitar jazz, which she morphs with chanteuse into both the sensual soft of “Perfect Love” to the fierce “?” (yes, that’s the name of the song). She has released a Christmas album after this, but I haven’t heard that one.

RACHEL HARRINGTON – The Bootlegger’s Daughter. Rachel has a new release, “City of Refuge,” which is also wonderful, but for now I’m putting this one first. Her old timey, Depression era sound calls out from the past into the present, with strong cuts like “Sunshine Girl,” “Halloween Leaves,” “Summer’s Gone,” and the very catchy “Shoeless Joe.” I would love to hear a duet with her and Allison Krauss, or Emmylou Harris at some time. Maybe (dare I say it) all three? On her own, though, Rachel can keep my attention. I am looking forward to actually seeing this Seattle-based singer live.


TAMARA HEY – Right This Minute. While going to see another musician, Tamara was on the same bill. We were going to stay just long enough to hear a song or two but remained for the whole set because it was musical love at first hear. Afterwards, I went over and got this CD from her. With a mix of pop, country and jazz, Tamara is another that doesn’t follow a formulaic pattern in subject matter. The first and title cut of this CD just blew me away from the first time I put it on, and the rest does not disappoint. Many of the songs cover relationships, but again, her perspective is not standard. Included is a wistful realizing that a relationship is ending (“Up In the Air”), sadness in realizing a partner may be interested in someone else (the beautifully haunting “More Like Melanie”) and someone close who is battling personal substance demons (“In the Universe With Me”), supportively confronting a friend who has just come out (“Girl Talk”), standing up to another (“Angeline”), and even a bluegrass themed angst (“Pebble in My Shoe”). Tamara’s songs are powerful stuff that loses nothing in the music. She has just released a new CD, and I am sure it will be reviewed by me at some point in my “Quiet Corner” column.

PHIL MINISSALE – Home to Me . Phil has an old poet’s soul that expresses itself in the form of Delta blues. His material is strong, his guitar work is superb, and his songs go the entire range from tragic to funny, from dirgy to spritely, and his personality shines through all of it. Robert Johnson meets Uncle Sun meets, well, central Long Island. He plays around a lot in the New York and Pennsylvania area, so check him out if you can.

MONTY LOVE – Girls are the New Boys. This hardcore release from this two-years-gone Staten Island-based band has probably been played the most by me of any CD I have listened to in the past two years. Filled with one bon mot after another (“I’d rather look ugly than have your personality,” “This went from funny to hospital,” “Call on me and I’ll be there/This I swear/Shit, I never swear,” and so on), their songs are tight punk with a pop hook, but lose none of its power. Find their Xmas Spectacular video on YouTube from their last show to see just how exciting they can be” (yes, I was there that night). The song titles (which almost always have nothing to do with the subject matter) are also noteworthy, including “We Give Good Headache,” “When I Die (It’s Gonna Suck),” and “Rinse and Repeat.” Anyway, Monty Love the man led Monty Love the band, and both rock the shit out of this CD. There are 25 songs here, most of them pretty short, which make it seem like a mere few minutes before it’s over. Hell, I got pulled over for speeding because I was listening to it in the car (true story). The way the CD is produced is excellent, as well, as one song flows naturally into the next. I can go on and on about how great this is, but it’s time to move on to the next on the list. But first, I’m going to put it on the player.

SHE WOLVES – 13 Deadly Sins. While their first 5-song CD (with Laura Sativa on bass) has a special place in my heart, this full release just buuuuuuurns. Generally, I’m not a big fan of metal, but this one just works for me. It’s hard to believe it is only a trio making this glorious noise. Head wolf, Donna, is a guitar-maniac with a voice like growling steel who hurls her vocals with a piledriver force. Bassist Gyda Gash (who has since left the group) adds some nice touches with a heavy bottom and some great songs (such as “I Kill With My C*nt”). Drummer Tony WolfMann, who has pounded his skins for some of the best rockers out there, brings up the support rhythm without getting lost. He even has his own fun song, “Chainsaw,” that has a catchy hook. Actually, many of these songs do, without being overly pop and schmaltzy. Great titles, too, like “Ghost Boyfriend,” and “Vicious Tit.” Plus, there are new versions of their “Art of War” and the Ramones-like “Hundred Bucks.” I’d also like to add that the Wolves are a fun live band, so I recommend you getting out there and seeing them.

* * *
As for the 10 worst of the year, well, just pick up any Billboard from the year and look at their best selling charts for that particular week, because they’re all pretty much interchangeable.

How I Almost Killed Handsome Dick Manitoba

Text and photos © Robert Barry Francos
All photos taken at the Bottom Line, 10/21/77, except as indicated

The first time I heard of The Dictators was at Bernie Kugel’s house in the spring of 1975. Go Girl Crazy had just been released, and truthfully, at first I didn’t get it. At that time, I didn’t get much. It was just before we had started going to CBGB, and my music taste was more in the Simon & Garfunkel vein than, say, Blue Oyster Cult. I hadn’t even heard the Ramones yet, and wouldn’t until June 20 when I saw them the first time I attended CBGB.

After hearing the album a few times, I was not overly impressed, but agreed to go see them at CBGB during the summer of ’75. That is what made me a believer, seeing this incredibly fun band play. Handsome Dick Manitoba (HDM) was still a guest vocalist at that time, with most of the duties falling ably to Adny Shernoff, who was still mostly on bass and the occasional keyboard, if I remember correctly.

On the way out, we ran into HDM near the door, by the pinball game. Bernie nervously introduced himself, to which HDM boomed loudly, “Hey! Kugel! Like the pudding!” They talked for a short while (though I couldn’t hear what they were saying), and then we left to go to our local White Castle before I dropped Bernie off at his place and headed home as the sun rose.

After that, I began to really enjoy the album, and could see what Bernie was talking about. Also, I had been to CBGB and Max’s Kansas City quite a few times, so my perspectives were also changing.

A couple of years past and in 1977, I was a true fan. Their second, excellent album, Manifest Destiny had been released, and I was totally blown away by it, especially “Steppin’ Out,” “Disease,” “Science Gone Too Far,” and “Young, Fast and Scientific.” To this day, I can still quote the entire intro to “Disease.” As the band’s fan club stated (no, I never did join), DFFD: Dictators Forever Forever Dictators.

I went to see them play at the Bottom Line on October 21, 1977, getting on line early enough to find a seat near the front, slightly off center (the best place since the stage was high, unless you wanted to look up the singer’s nose).

The band was the aforementioned HDM (who was now official lead vox) and Shernoff (mostly keyboards), and included founding members Scott “Top Ten” Kempner and Ross the Boss Funicello (Russell Friedman), both on guitar. Recent additions were Richie Teeter on drums and Mark “The Animal” Mendoza on bass pounding. They were a solid unit with a strong bottom and powerful strings.

The show was great, but that was no surprise. At some point in the set, they started up their opening cut from Go Girl Crazy, the wondrous “The Next Big Thing.” The rhythm of it goes Ba-da-da-da-da-DUM, Ba-da-da-da-da-DUM, with the emphasis on the last beat.

Because of the time period this occurred, there was smoking permitted in the club, so the tables had ashtrays. The Bottom Line used thick black plastic ones, which they cleaned and reused after each show. When “The Next Big Thing” started, I grabbed the (unused) ashtray, and started banging it on the table to the rhythm, including adding the emphasis. About the time of the upward key change of the song, I must have hit the ashtray just a bit too hard or at a weird angle, because a one-inch-by-two-inch piece that was half moon shape broke off and flew just a couple of inches past HDM’s head, and had enough momentum that it bounced off the wall way behind him. He must have heard the whiz of it, because he turned his head to see what it was, though he never missed a beat. I don’t believe he figured it out, though. Just a slight change in trajectory, and it might have stuck into his head like a ninja star.

I kept that broken ashtray as a souvenir for a number of years, but eventually tossed it because (a) it didn’t really have a connection to anything other than my memory, which I didn’t need it for, and (b) I don’t smoke.

Many years later, in the summer of 2006, I was giving the Detroit punk band Choking Susan a “punk rock tour” around the East Village (Trash & Vaudeville, Gem Spa, etc.), and brought them over to HDM’s bar, Manitobas. Sure enough, HDM was there behind the bar that night, and I knew the members of Choking Susan were fans, but were a bit starstruck to go over and talk to him. I walked over and introduced myself (as publisher of FFanzeen because odds are he would remember my ‘zine), and then brought him over to meet the band. It was a great moment, as HDM took them around the bar, and using a small flashlight, spent time with them telling them stories that went with the photos on the wall. He also sat with them for a while at a table. HDM is definitely a cool guy. I took the photo of Choking Susan and HDM that CS use on their MySpace site (see below).

[Choking Susan and Handsome Dick Manitoba at Manitobas, 2006]
As the band was getting ready to go and gathering their things, I walked outside and HDM was sitting on the bench out front. I sat next to him, and thanked him for his generosity. He smiled and said he was glad to do so, as we talked for the few minutes while I waited for the band to come out. I wish I had thought to ask him if he remembered something flying by him at that show at the Bottom Line, and to tell him what happened with the piece of ashtray, but truthfully, by the time I remembered, I was already blocks away.

CD Reviews

Here are some CD reviews that the artists have been kind enough to send or give to me. They cover a spectrum of styles. Comments are always welcome.

Hailing from out west (okay, Michigan), I must say this self-titled CD by CHOKING SUSAN (chokingssusan.com) really pissed me off. I mean, it’s so much fun that I felt almost gypped by its being only 15 minutes. Seriously, this is majorly entertaining. The band is solid Ramones throwback – a compliment that complements vocalist Colleen Caffeine. Okay, I realize this is exceedingly obscure, but Colleen’s voice remind me a lot of Canadian singer Anne Lorree, though the style is ever so different. Very clean sounding recording and so sharp leading the buzzsaw behind her. And I do mean behind; the vocals on this recording are so far in front of the band in the mix, that sometimes it has a karaoke feel, but it all comes out in the wash with fun songs, dynamite instrumentation, sublimely racous lyrics, and keen vocals. A must NOT to avoid. - RBF
Here is a link to the photos I took when Choking Susan played at CBGBs in 2006: http://entertainment.webshots.com/album/554604681UlHbBX

OBJECT is not just a rock duo but a couple as well. Eric is the voice and plays a strong guitar with a grunge style. Maria is a kick-ass, full-on energized power drummer. I’ve seen them play a few times now, and they never fail to impress. Their songs, including the 5 here on “The Mirror World” (Velcro Kitty, c/o objectband.com), are brash and inventive within its genre. “Talk Too Much is the catchiest and easily the breakout of this collection. And there is the irony for this connected couple: the lyrics are all first person about the misery of relationships (an example is “You are a hole I fell into” from “The 8th Floor”). While I don’t know what that is all about, I am convinced the Object as a whole is wholly worthwhile listening. - RBF
Here are some photos at a show at Peggy O'Niell's in Brooklyn which feature Object: http://entertainment.webshots.com/album/544794675WCPomm

The first (and last) time I met TERRY SULLIVAN was outside Max’s Kansas City, when his seminal Buffalo band The Jumpers played there. That group should have made it. Another of his bands, the Restless, came close. Now here is a solo release that highlights what Terry can do. Terry was always a great rocker, and this release, "The Earth Moovs Around the Sun" (goodcharamel.com), shows his growth, adding some Cars-ish/Bowie-like pop edges (Bowie especially on cuts like “Mr. Completely”). Jumpers co-member Bob Kozak, one of the better songsmiths to come out of Erie County, joins him on a few cuts. Terry covers a bunch of different pop-rock styles, including blues inflection, Springsteen-type rock, ballads, singer-songwriter, and even some programmed techo-influence. Sounds like he’s all over the map, and, well, perhaps he is, but this is a decent exercise in pushing his own envelope. That being said, I still have to add that I’d like to hear more of the Jumpers’ style “I Wanna Know What’s Going On” straight bar rock. – RBF

We went to see Mary Gatchell play at the Rockwood on the Side of the Lower East, and figured we’d finish our drink and go. But fate had other plans, when TAMARA HEY came on. We did not leave until after her set, as she transfixed us right from the start. After her set, I got a copy of her CD, “Right This Minute” (Sunsound, c/o tamaramusic.com), which I’ve listened to a number of time now. Tamara is a local veteran, but this was my first taste of her sound, a comfortable mix of pop, singer-songwriter, and just a touch of country. Her voice is reminiscent of Emmylou Harris without the vibrato. A sweet voice with a solid band (including her own guitar) and excellent production values. There are lots of standout cuts, including the title one, “Up in the Air”, “”Rainy Rainy Cloud”, and so many others right to the end . She can break your heart with “More Like Melanie”. to getting your foot tapping with the bluegrass influenced “Pebble In My Shoe.” I feel fortunate to have the happy accident in seeing her. Won’t be the last. – RBF
Here are the photos I took of the show mentioned in this review: http://entertainment.webshots.com/album/552522711roiCPv


At that same Gatchell/Hey show, I also ran into chanteuse KATHY ZIMMER, who gave me her CD “Dreamin’” (kathyzimmermusic.com). Kathy’s vocalizing is clearly the focus of this 15+-minute EP. Her voice is silky and cultured like a pearl, with a velvet smoothness that is reminiscent of laying in a bubble bath. There is a strong jazz influence and a hint of operatic training in there. She sounds like she could be singing standards sitting on a piano, or jazz on a rainy afternoon. The four songs, written by Kathy, are all right in their own right, but actually her voice seems stronger than the material. Really, that’s meant as a compliment of degree. – RBF


I will try to put up 5 reviews every few days or so. Keep those CDs coming in, folks.