Thoughts on Michael Wolfe’s Blogs About Jewish Foods

Text © Robert Barry Francos / FFanzeen, 2020

Images from the Internet

Around the autumn of 2018, writer Michael Wolfe wrote a piece on his Too Lazy to Write a Book blog titled “My Definitive and Absolutely Correct Ranking of 40Jewish Foods,” which was soon followed by the sequel, “MyJewish Food Rankings – the One’s I ‘Missed’.”  I would like to take a moment and comment on some of his two lists. While I am not arguing with the ranking (though I strongly agree and disagree on some), it’s the food I would like to focus on here. I won’t be commenting on all of them, just the ones that mean more to me.

I have said this before: when I was growing up as a lower-middle class Jew in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn (in a largely Italian neighborhood), most Jewish families I knew, like us, had five (5) sets of dishes. First there were the daily two for meat and dairy. Then there were the two in the closet for meat and dairy that were used only on the eight days of Passover. The one few talked about was under the sink for the rare times we ordered in from the Chinese restaurant (rather than eating out), or when our upstairs neighbor Madeline made her amazing lasagna and shared it with us.

Now to the first list in “My Definitive and Absolutely Correct Ranking of 40 Jewish Foods,”:

No. 40: Pickled Herring in Sour Cream. Michael hates it, but I like pickled herring. There was more than one occasion I remember my parents being mad at me for eating an entire jar, as they tend to be a bit on the pricy side. That being said, the one I prefer is in wine sauce, and though I like it okay in the white stuff, I agree with Michael somewhat because it is so much better without the sour cream.

No. 38: Whitefish/Whitefish Salad: My dad used to love whitefish. He would bring home the whole smoked fish, and eat it, leaving but the literal skin and bones. Not me. But I do like whitefish salad. It has a less fishy taste than tuna (which I also like); however, it also depends on how it is made. It can be really good or terribly gross.

No. 37: Kasha Varnishkes: Here is where I strongly disagree with Michael. I love Kasha Varnishkes, and always have. A friend where I live now made it for me last year to celebrate me getting out of the hospital, and it was just so satisfying. If made right, the onions and kasha, mixed with that particular kind of bowtie pasta, fills many taste sensations for me.

No. 36: Mandel Bread: My dad loved Mandel Bread; I thought it was okay, even as a kid. Dad liked an almond kind of a specific brand (that I can’t remember). Even though it was sweet when it was fresh, if you waited too long… Well, Michael put it perfectly: “It can be BONE DRY, like a biscotti that you find in the back of your cupboard that’s been left unsealed for a few dozen years.” I haven’t had it in over 20 years, and I’m okay with that.

No. 34: Halvah: I love Halvah in doses but haven't had it much in the last decade; it’s not easy to find here in the Canadian Prairies, as there are no Jewish Delis in my neck of the woods. I have bought it on rare occasion from a Halal shop, though. My dad didn’t buy the Joyvah bars, but as a brick from the local deli. As much as I enjoy it, it seems Michael is correct when he states, “But everyone else I seem to know truly hates it.” It’s best when it is fresh and melts in your mouth.

No. 32: Macaroons: The closest you can find where I live is something called the macaron, which is nothing like a macaroon. I like coconut macaroons, even though coconut is not my favorite flavor in the world. We used to buy them in the round tins when I grew up, and I’ve had them on occasion in the last few years, but I’m not fan of most of the other flavors. They tend to be chalky.

No. 31: Chocolate Coins: These are usually given out at Hanukkah. Michael said it best: “They weren’t usually the best chocolate, and almost always ended up melting in my pocket by the third night. Still, chocolate is chocolate...”

No. 30: My Mother’s Roast Chicken: Again, Michael said exactly what I was thinking: “Perhaps this is blasphemy, but the truth hurts: my mother (bless her memory) was a terrible, terrible cook…My mother’s roast chicken…was as rubbery as an elementary school eraser.” There were things my mom cooked okay, but this was not one of them, and she made it often. And don’t ask about her cardboard steaks…

No. 29: Schmaltz: For those who don’t know, Schmaltz is rendered chicken fat, in that it is cut up and melted down, and used like butter. It sounds gross, but it tasted great. There are obvious health reasons why I haven't eaten it in 30 years, but my mom made great homemade schmaltz. We only ate it on Passover, though, for the reasons I mentioned. I remember telling someone in high school about it and they were grossed out, so I brought them some on a cracker. They reluctantly ate it, and loved it. It’s also known as the original “schmear.”

No. 28: Manischewitz Wine: Well, this is true for all Concord Grape wine, not just that brand. I agree totally with what the author has to say about it being “alcoholic Grape Fanta without the bubbles.” I only drink it about every 5 years (on Passover, of course). I once got drunk when I was 5 years old by downing a glass of it before my mother could stop me, and passed out at the Passover table. The kind of booze a kid could like.

No. 26: Chopped Liver: I'm odd in that I like any kind of liver, but especially chopped liver. Chopped, the liver loses a lot of its graininess and has a smooth texture that doesn’t taste “liverish.” Plus, it’s moldable into animal shapes.

No. 25: Gefilte Fish: I actually like the kind from the jar (Mothers brand) more than freshly made, with horseradish (red or white). But Michael is spot-on correct when he states, “Without the gross jelly, please.” My parents loved the clear jelly, but the texture always made me gag.

No. 24: Matzoh: As a kid, I grew tired of it by the 4th day of Passover, but now I love Matzoh, except you can't find it here other than through the Lubavitch Rabbi, which is expensive. If you ask for Matzoh at the supermarket, they bring you to the cheese section (that's what they call Mozzarella – mozza – here). My mom used to prepare it a special way I haven’t had in 40 years, but loved as a kid: she would loosely wet the matzoh (moist but not soggy), put on a layer of chicken fat, and then course Koshering salt. So tasty.

No. 23: Knish: My favorite Knish is the potato ones you buy off the hot dog stands in NYC streets, with mustard (spicy kind, not just yellow). The homemade ones tend to be kind of glommy.

No. 22: Matzoh Brei: I've always loved matzoh Brei; on the rare occasions I get matzoh even today, I make it myself. Michael says maple syrup is a must, but for me, no syrup. I like the taste of the egg and matzoh together, with some course salt.

No. 21: Maror/Horseradish: We eat horseradish all the time, both red and white (though white is much more available in supermarkets where I live). We have a jar of it in the fridge as we speak. Great with any white fish, like Basa.

No. 18: Kosher Salami: While Kosher Salami is better than bologna (a friend once compared bologna to “uncooked hot dog,” and that felt accurate), I still like Genoa and Hungarian salami better, even though they are not Kosher.

No. 16: Kreplach: Kreplach is a dumpling for soup. It’s good, but Kneidlach (or Knaidlach) is better. This will be covered more in “Matzoh Ball Soup,” below.

No. 15: Challah: Challah, in a single word, is mmmmmmmm. With or without raisins (Michael finds raisins superfluous). Needs to be fresh, though; supermarket brands tend to be bland.

No. 13: Brisket: I didn't like brisket much as a kid because of the grainy texture, but love it now, if it’s cooked right (i.e., not over- or under-done).

No. 12: Corned Beef/No. 11: Pastrami: Corn Beef is good, but nothing beats Pastrami. Real Pastrami, like from Katz's Deli. I’ve been jonzing over their Pastrami on Club with Mustard on the side, and pickle, with a Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda (see below) for the past couple of years. The Pastrami up here tastes like ham or Montreal smoked meat, with a weird aftertaste. They also slice it way too thin, like pressed turkey roll. It costs $85 to ship a sandwich from Katz’s to Canada, which is not worth it (it also needs to be fresh sliced). But next time I’m in NYC…

No. 10: Dr. Brown's Cream Soda: See above with Pastrami. The only time I drink it, but it goes together so well. Michael thinks the Cel-Rey flavor is terrible; I concur.

No. 9: Blintzes: My dad loved blintzes; I think they're okay. However, I like the potato ones best, fried and with sour cream. For now, I’m settling for unfried lefsa.

No. 8: Noodle Kugel: No one made noodle kugel as good as my Aunt Elsie, period, who would always make sure I had some when I’d stay at her house for a couple of weeks each summer as a kinder. As a side note, one of my best friend since high school is named Bernie Kugel. The first time Bernie and I met Handsome Dick Manitoba of the Dictators at CBGB in 1975 and Bernie told him his name, HDM’s eyes lit up and said, “Hey! Like the pudding!!”

No. 5: Chinese Food on Christmas: Funny, but this is not a tradition on which I grew up. In fact I never even heard of it until I was in my early 20s. But I did love when we went to the local Chinese restaurant on 86 Street, in Brooklyn. My mom knew the owner, Helen Chan, who lived a block over from us.

No. 3: Latkes/Potato Pancakes: I like Potato Latkes, but I find them greasy these days; gives me the runs if I eat too much. Yeah, getting older. Oy.

No. 2: Matzoh Ball Soup: I will fight to the grave insisting that there is no such thing as matzoh ball soup. It's chicken soup with matzoh balls. You can’t make soup from matzoh balls; they are added in afterwards. Anyway, it's good. Something my mom made well, though we bought the matzoh balls in a jar (again, Mothers brand). Good matzoh balls are truly hard to make from scratch to get the right consistency and not have it fall apart in the soup.

No. 1: Bagel with Lox and Cream Cheese: Most Sunday mornings, we'd have a bagel with cream cheese and belly lox (which is nearly impossible to find nowadays). There is a place here that makes it mostly right, except they put capers on it, which I don't understand. My dad used to make what we referred to as "the killer bagel," which we ate once every few months: a salted bagel, butter (yes, salted), cream cheese, belly lox, anchovies, and raw onion. You felt that on your side for days, but it tasted so good. Definitely not recommended for high blood pressure patients.

The second list is “My Jewish Food Rankings – the One’s I ‘Missed’.”:

Tongue: It’s hard to explain to those who didn’t grow up with it how delicious this is. I haven’t had it in decades, but I can still remember the yummy taste. The only time I was grossed out was that one time I got the top of the tongue, which had all the taste nodules, which was rubbery. Not fun. I miss tongue (keep it clean, folks…).

Egg Cream/Chocolate Egg Cream: Just delicious. I like the Vanilla Egg Creams as well. RIP Gem Spa on St. Mark’s Place, where the Egg Creams were infamous. There was also a candy store in Brooklyn on the corner of Bath Avenue and Bay Parkway that served an Egg Cream I enjoyed (this place does not exist anymore either).

Potato Kugel: Good, but cannot come anywhere near Noodle Kugel.

Borscht: I’m not a fan, and besides, it makes me gassy as all get out. My wife is a huge fan.

Hard Boiled Egg in Salt Water: As Michael said, “A Passover staple.” It seems a lot of people dip the egg into the salt water these days, and look at me strangely when I drop in the egg and squish it into a salty paste. One of my favorite things about the Seder. I never eat it that way the rest of the year.

Stuffed Cabbage: Where I’m living now, you can find the Ukrainian version of cabbage rolls, which are similar, but they don’t add raisins. I like the Jewish stuffed cabbage, but honestly, I think they’re made too fat. In this case, the Ukrainians got it right by making them smaller. However, after, you may not want to be around me for a couple of hours as I toot away from the cabbage.

Bialy: Michael calls it a “poor man’s bagel.” I don’t agree, as I see it as something totally different to be eaten as a substitute bagel. We didn’t slice them on the Sundays when we got them instead of bagels. We’d butter the top and eat them that way, or add a slice of “American Cheese” (a processed form of cheddar that my family tended to get). Bialys were distant cousins to bagels that tasted totally different and had a different texture.